The Ultimate Deathmatches!
by xX GTAshadow Xx
Summary: The Ultimate Deathmatches!
1. The Deathmatches Are Back!

**The Ultimate Deathmatches Are Back Again!**

_Looks like they've rebuilt the stadium... cool. Ah, now where's our girl? There she is! Everyone! It's Eva Sapphire!_

"Hi! You remember me? I'm the STAR of 'Another Quest For Truth'! The STAR, I tell ya! What? Oh, yeah... Sandra and Kaylee are there too! And Heather! Hi, guys! Yeah, they're helping me with the Deathmatches now! I wonder where Striker is.. ? ...oh, ANYWAY! Welcome to the New and Improved ULTIMATE DEATHMATCHES!" _Eva announces._

"Eva, it's a full house! Our advertising must've been tremendous!" _Kaylee exclaims._

"Yay! Oh, but now they're getting restless! Let's get straight to the first battle!_ Eva announces._

"But first, let's meet out Battle Judges!" _Sandra declares._

"Oh yeah, of course! The judges, everyone! Aeris! Barret! And Cid!" _Eva annouces._

_Aeris, Barret, and Cid all wave._

**Battle 1: Mustadio VS James Bond**

_Classic, huh? Looks like Bond is pissed off about Mustadio ripping off his Golden PP7, and he wants some revenge! _

"Why you stupid... piece of... god damned f--kin' garbage!" _James Bond insults._

"Ha! You suck, Bond!" _Mustadio counters._

_Mustadio starts out with Leg Aim. Bond can't move. Bond shoots a flurry of shots, but they all miss. Oddly, some of the crowd is dead... Mustadio follows up wth Arm Aim._

"Ha! Got you! You'll be in hell... before me!" _Mustadio taunts._

_Mustadio casts 'Zombie' from his secondary YinYang Magic skillset. Then, he petrifies the Zombie Bond with Seal Evil. _

**Mustadio is the victor! **

_Mustadio sells Petrified Bond for 253620 gil._

"That was interesting.." _Barret comments._

"Good. There was no blood. I'm impressed!" _Aeris says._

"Damn! Should've been more blood!" _Cid shouts._

"Yay! That was an exciting battle, right?" _Eva exclaims._

"It was too short!" _Kaylee comments._

"Why don't we go for an interview with King Leon!" _Kaylee suggests._

"Good idea! Let's see if he's got someone!" _Eva agrees._

_In the locker room... King Leon (from 'Another Quest') is interviewing someone._

"Come on! Give me a straight answer!" _he shouts._

"Bwgaggrghh!" _the other 'person' replies._

"Jerk! You're an idiot, Bowser! And stay outta my booze!" _Leon shouts._

:"Bragggggggh!" _Bowser yells as he rips open Leon's booze cabinent._

_Back at the stadium..._

"Did Bowser just yell 'bra' really loud? He's got issues..." _Sandra comments._

"He's also drunk off his ass..." _Kaylee comments._

"...Ooookay... let's get the second battle going! Ooh, it's a good one!" _Eva announces._

**Battle 2: Wiegraf VS Tidus**

_Tidus? Why Tidus? Oh well, at least he's better than Wiegraf!_

"Draw your sword.." _Wiegraf says._

"I'm a guardian now!" _Tidus says as he draws his sword. _"Almost done.."

"Tidus! Put the sketchbook away! You're in a battle!" _Yuna yells from the audience._

"Oh! Right!" _Tidus gets out his sword._

_Wiegraf tries to do his Lightning Stab, but since Wiegraf has a Coral Sword and Tidus is Lightningproof, it does nothing. Tidus slashes Wiegraf (Tidus has 'Warrior' Mode set). He gets his Overdrive meter filled._ _Tidus gets ready for Blitz Ace._

"I've been savin' this one for you!" _Tidus taunts._

_Tidus starts madly slashing Wiegraf. Then he bounces off his sword and into the air, where Yuna (from the audience) throws a blitzball which Tidus promptly kicks into Wiegraf, This knocks Wiegraf's head off._

**Tidus is the victor.**

"Wow! That was cool: _Barret comments._

"So much blood..." _Aeris says nervously._

"Hell yeah! What a f--kin' good battle!" _Cid shouts._

"Ooh, lotsa blood!" _Sandra exclaims._

"How's Leon?" _Eva asks._

_A shot of Leon having a 'chair duel' wth Bowser. He seems to be protecting his booze from the over-sized turtle._

"Speaking of over-sized turtles, isn't someone gonna fight that Adamantoise we caught on Long Horn Island?" _Kaylee asks._

"Ooh, yeah! Is anyone brave enough?" _Sandra declares._

_Eva makes an announcment._

"Attention, everyone! Anyone who is brave enough to take on and defeat the legendary turtle known as Adamantoise will be rewarded with 1,000,000 gil and a lifetime supply of donuts, hotdogs, and free booze! So, is anyone brave enough? Who's got the guts? Come on! I know someone's got it! Who's got the stuff?" _Eva announces._

"Mmm... donuts, hotdogs, and free beer.." _Homer says._

"Forget it, Homer. You'll never beat that thing!" _Bart says._

"No one brave enough?" _Eva wonders._

"Oh, we'll get a challenger. I know it!" _Kaylee exclaims._

"Next battle! Oh! There's a non-RPG type guy! Well, I guess he is an RPG guy, kinda.." _Eva says._

**Battle 3: Zell Dincht VS John Anderton (Minority Report)**

"OHHHH YEAHHH!" _Zell shouts._

"...you're going down." _John taunts._

_John and Zell punch each other for awhile until John pulls out a WASP Launcher! Zell is too quick for the rocket launcher, and he moves in and grabs it._

"Weapons are for wusses!" _Zell taunts as he bends the WASP Launcher with his junctioned Strength. _

_Zell kicks John in the groin and then throws him into the audience. Zell summons up a Meltdown spell aimed straight at John. The force of the magic causes John to melt and explode._

_The audience pukes all over Red XIII._

"Aw, come on!" _Red shouts._

**Zell is the victor.**

"Wow! What the hell was that magic?" _Barret shouts._

"It was a little graphic... that spell _melted_ him!" _Aeris comments._

"Holy sh-t! What a battle!" _Cid yells._

"Hey, we're almost outta time! Should we just skip to the last battle of the night?" _Kaylee asks._

"Uh, yeah, but first... a word from our sponsor!" _Eva announces._

_Squall is seen sitting on a stool. _

"Need protection? Then get a damn guardian." _he says. He gets up and leaves._

**YOJIMBO!**

"What?" _Eva asks._

"What the hell is a yojimbo?" _Sandra wonders out loud._

"A yojimbo is a hired Japanese bodyguard." _Heather says as she enters._

"Thank you, Miss-Know-It-All-Heather!" _Eva says._

"When did you get here and where have you been?" _Kaylee asks._

"I just got here for my battle. I'm the last one, right?" _Heather says._

"Well, then! Start the last battle of the night!" _Eva declares._

**Battle 4: Heather VS Auron**

_First one to drop their weapon loses._

"Don't break any bones, old man" _Heather says._

"Hmph." _Auron retorts._

_Heather draws her gunblade and Auron draws his Masamune..._

"Stop! This ain't no art contest!" _Cid shouts._

_Heather and Auron put away the sketchbooks and get out their weapons. Heather is faster than Auron, but Auron's power is really knocking Heather off balance. Heather jumps away from Auron's swing as she jabs at the Masamune. Auron has a tight grip, this could be tough. Heather is frustrated... she feels a hidden power inside her. Suddenly, she finds herself lunging forward as she slashes at Auron's blade. The gunblade knocks the Masamune to the ground. _

**Heather is the victor. Heather's Limit: Sphere Slash**

"Cool Limit!" _Cid comments._

"See? I told you we could have deathless battles!" _Aeris says._

"That's cool!" _Barret shouts._

"The name's Heather Silver! Remember it!" _Heather taunts._

"Well, now we're outta time! But we'll be back with **more exciting battles**! Until then, c ya!" _Eva exclaims._

**To Be Continued...**

**Sphere Slash: an attack that adds 20, 40, 60, 80, or 100 to Strength. Works similar to Sphere Shot in FFX.**

**More Limits may reveal themselves!**

**Watch for 'em!**

**And why would I make Auron die? Never! **

**Oh, and who should someday fight that Adamantoise?**


	2. Hyper Battles!

_Welcome back! Eva still has yet to find someone to fight that damn Adamantoise! Maybe Rinoa? Who cares if Rinoa gets killed by a giant turtle? _

"Well, what do we have here?" _Eva wonders._

"I am Rinoa! I shall kill you!" _Rinoa screams._

"Oww! Your high-pitched voice hurts my ears!" _Eva shouts while flinching from Rinoa's voice._

"OH THAT'S IT! You're going down bitch!" _Rinoa screams._

**Battle 1: Rinoa Heartilly VS Eva Sapphire**

"So you think you can fight?" _Eva taunts._

"DIE BITCH!" _Rinoa screams as she gets out her crossbow thing._

"That thing can't kill a Bite Bug!" _Eva insults as she breaks the weapon._

"Ahhhhh! Help me Squall!" _Rinoa screams._

_Squall enters the ring._

"...Whatever." _he says as he lops Rinoa's head off._

**Eva... er, Squall and Eva are the victors!**

"WTF? What a f--kin' boring fight!" _Cid says._

"Blood... again.." _Aeris whispers._

"Well, it was cool, but short." _Barret comments._

"Well, me and Squall killed Rinoa! Now... Selphie's next..." _Eva says._

"Nooooo!" _Selphie screams as she runs outside and into the night._

"I guess the Adamantoise won't be killing Rinoa then.." _Sandra says._

"Oh, I almost forgot! King Leon has left! In his place is none other than... Shelinda!" _Kaylee exclaims._

"Shelinda? Why her?" _Eva asks._

"She's the only one we could find. And she's cheap." _Kaylee says._

:"Cheap? I did NOT need to know that!" _Eva exclaims._

"Not _that_ kind of cheap!" _Kaylee retorts._

"Anyway, what's the next battle gonna be?" _Sandra asks._

"Can I do an interview yet?" _Shelinda asks._

",Fine." _Eva says._

"Yay!" _Shelinda exclaims._

"Maybe she should fight Adamantoise..." _Eva whispers._

_In the locker room, Shelinda has started an interview with Tidus._

"...and I can whip anyone with my new Excalibur!" _Tidus cheers._

"Is it true that it has Break Damage Limit?" _Shelinda asks._

"Yeah! Watch this!" _Tidus declares._

_Tidus chops a bench in half._

"Thank you, Shelinda! Now, let's get the next battle going!" _Eva announces._

**Battle 2: Squall VS 50 Malboros!**

"Sweet zombie Eden on a f--kin' pogo stick!" _Squall shouts._

_The Malboros advance._

"Gotta junction!" _Squall yells._

_Squall junctions 100 of each of these: Pain, Confuse, Sleep,Berserk._

_20 more Malboros appear for no real reason._

"70 Malboros? Double SZEONFPS!" _Squall shouts._

_Suddenly, the room turns dark and it starts to rain. (Rain? In a building?) A six-legged horse appears._

"Fool, you delude yourself." _Raphael says from the back of Odin's horse._

_Raphael and Odin's horse cleave through the 70 Malboros. _

"Enough! Die already!" _Raphael says as he and the horse disappear._

"...Whatever." _Squall says._

**Squall (and Raphael) win!**

"Why was Raphael on Odin's goddamn horse?" _Cid asks._

"How the hell should I know?" _Barret replies._

"Those things smelled funny.." _Aeris comments._

"Yeah, they smelled so bad that the entire audience puked all over Red again." _Cid says._

_Indeed, Red is covered with barf **yet again**._

"Poor Red... oh well! Shelinda's out to lunch now, so we can skip right to the next battle!" _Eva announces._

"But first, a word from our sponsor!" _Sandra exclaims._

_**Kunlun Bamboo: It ain't made of poo.**_

_**"What the hell are you talking about?" **_

_**"Kilik! Oh crap! I'm dead!**_

_**Kilik chases a man around town with his Kunlun Bamboo stick.**_

"Is it me, or our sponsors getting weirder?" _Eva asks._

"It ain't you.." _Sandra says._

**Battle 3: Rad, Lavian, and Alicia VS Gafgarion, Golbez, and Kefka**

"Wheeeeeeee! I had my coffeeeeeeeeeee!" _Lavian sings._

"Lavian! Leave the singing to me! I'm the fuggin' Bard!" _Rad says._

"OKEYDOKEY! ME WANNA DANCE WITH CLOWN-MAN!" _Lavian shouts._

"ACK, NO! Get the fugg away from me!" _Kefka screams._

"Gaffy... you're pathetic." _Alicia says._

"WHAT? How dare you... Master of all swords! Cut ener... hey! Gimme back my fuggin' sword!" _Gafgarion shouts._

"I LIKE SWORDS!" _Lavian shouts._

"She's been reading '8-bit Theatre' again." _Alicia realizes._

"What? No one pays attention to me?" _Golbez asks and promptly gets pelted with 1000 tomatoes. _"Ewwwwww! Tomato goo! Screw you all!"

_Golbez leaves and gets ripped apart by Sephiroth on his way out._

"Na nana nanana na nana na nanana!" _Rad sings._

"Coolies! He sounds like me!" _Yuna says from the audience._

_Lavian kicks Gafgarion in the groin._

"Oopsie!" _she exclaims._

_Rad shoves his harp up Kefka's ass._

"AY CARUMBA!" _Kefka yells._

_Alicia kicks Gafgarion out of the ring and out the window._

"I'm blasting off again!" _he screams._

_Kefka uses a Smoke Bomb and escapes._

**Rad, Alicia, and Lavian are the victors.**

"Cool! Blood, shovin' things up someone's ass! It's all there!" _Cid comments._

"Yeah! Though, a couple of bullets woulda been nice!" _Barret says._

"Will we see Kefka again?" _Aeris wonders._

"Will we see Kefka again.. ? Of course we will, Aeris! He'll be back for revenge!" _Eva announces._

"Oh look, tonight's final battle is a good one!" _Sandra exclaims._

**Battle 4: Gunner Yuna VS Selphie Tilmitt**

"Got you, bitch.." _Yuna taunts._

"Noooooooo!" _Selphie screams as she runs around._

"You're mine!" _Yuna shouts._

"Nooooo! Doomtrain! I choose you!" _Selphie calls._

_Doomtrain whizzes past. Yuna is unaffected._

"What? You're supposed to royally fugged up!" _Selphie whines._

"...Ribbon. Now... you want it slow? Or you want it fast?" _Yuna asks._

_Yuna uses Pot Shot, On The Level, and Scatterburst. Selphie manages to whack Yuna hard (What an attack! Selphie can DO that?)._

"Oww! Poopie! Time for Plan B!" _Yuna says._

_Yuna equips a 'Cat Nip' and **blows Selphie away** with her 9999 Trigger Happy!_

**Yuna is the victor!**

"Yuna! You looked great!" _Brother comments._

"Wow! Bloody match!" _Barret exclaims._

"Cool!" _Cid says._

"I wonder if Vincent could do that.." _Aers says._

"Well, that's all for tonight! We'll c ya later! Byebye!" _Eva announces._

**To Be Continued...**

Credits:

Me, you, and somebody's dog named Boo.

Well, what d'ya want?

"BRGGGGGGGAAAGHH!" _Bowser roars._

"RGGGGH!" _the Adamantoise growls._

**HEY! Maybe Bowser could fight it! They're both overgrown turtles!**


	3. The Adamantoise Lives On!

_Who the hell wants to challenge Adamantoise? _

"I wonder if anyone was glad that Rinoa died.." _Eva wonders._

"Now.. hey, look! Cait Sith's here!" _Sandra exclaims._

_Cait Sith is trying to hit everyone with his M-phone. He stumbles into the Adamantoise cage and promptly gets eaten. Reeve quickly runs out of the booth he was hiding in._

"That was my last Cait Sith!" _he shouts._

"Sucks to be you, Reeve!" _Sandra taunts._

"What? Come over here and say that!" _Reeve threatens._

"I feel a battle coming on.." _Eva says._

**Battle 1: Reeve VS Sandra**

"You'll pay for this!" _Reeve yells._

"Yeah, sure! I'll pay with the gil I steal from you!" _Sandra counters._

_Reeve pulls out a... paperclip? Sandra draws her twin Air Knives and slashes at Reeve. Reeve jumps away and summons Cait Sith... wait, he's got none left! Loser! Sandra kicks Reeve in the groin and lops his head off with a Slasher axe._

"Thanks, Suzanne!" _Sandra says as she hands Suzanne the Thief the Slasher._

**Sandra is the victor.**

"Short but bloody! I like it!" _Cid comments._

"Hell yeah! More decapitation!" _Barret yells._

"Can we do without the blood next time?"_ Aeris says nervously._

"Reeve's dead!" _Sandra exclaims._

"Yay! Wait, who's Reeve? I just got here!" _Rikku says as she eats another sugar cookie._

"SEIFER, DRINK?" _someone asks._

"What? No, I'm here to fight! Is Squall here?" _someone else says._

"Who's there?" _Eva asks._

"Oh! I'm Seifer, and this is Raijin and Fujin." _Seifer introduces._

"Oh! You're here to fight! And no, I haven't seen Squall since he lopped off Rinoa's head last time." _Eva explains._

"Rinoa's dead? Yeah! The bitch is dead, ya know?" _Raijin says._

"Rinoa... oh well, I love Quistis now!" _Seifer says._

"Also, there's some losers in the locker room. You might wanna check 'em out, ya know?." _Raijin says._

"All right. Cut to the locker room, please!" _Eva says._

_Locker room... Shelinda has a small group of... well, beings._

"Uh, who are you?" _she asks._

"I am Fighter! I like swords!" _one of them says._

"I am Black Mage and I shall burn all yo' sorry asses!" _another one taunts._

"I am mighty Red Mage! I have a +3 in Ultimate Deathmatch... er, stuff." _a third one says._

"I am Thief. Gimme yo' sh-t or I'll take it off ya!" _the fourth one says._

"Please pay them no mind. I am White Mage. I watch over these morons, especially THAT DAMNED INFERNAL BLACK MAGE!" _the fifth one explains._

"I am Black Belt... and, uh... I forgot what I do. I'm an idiot who can't fight." _the final one says._

"Nice... " _Shelinda says._

_Back to the arena..._

"Weird... are they gonna fight, Eva?" _Sandra asks._

"Sure... it'll be good for a laugh." _Eva says._

"Hey! Hey! We have an Adamantoise challenger! He's at the Front Gate!" _Kaylee exclaims._

"Really? I'm on my way! First, here's a word from **_yet another sponsor_**!" _Eva shouts._

_**Got low levels? Can't beat Sephiroth? CAN'T BEAT SEPHIROTH? YOU SUCK!**_

_**Seriously... get help. Call me when you can't beat Emerald Weapon. No, wait. If you can't beat Emerald Weapon, if you have ANYTHING to say about Emerald Weapon, then STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!**_

_Eva greets the challenger._

"Greetings. I am Kuja. I wish to battle your Adamantoise." _the challenger says._

"Coolies! Come in! We'll get it ready!" _Eva exclaims._

**Battle 2: Kuja VS Adamantoise**

"...all right. Let's see what this thing is made of." _Kuja says._

_The Adamantoise roars. Kuja casts Blizzaga. The Adamantoise causes an Earthquake, sending Kuja flying into the audience. They throw him back in. Kuja whacks the monster with his staff. The Adamantoise crushes the hell out of Kuja, killing him._

**The Adamantoise is the victor.**

"Kuja's dead." _Aeris says._

"He was worse than Sephiroth!" _Cid comments._

"Where the hell is Sephiroth anyway?" _Barret asks._

_Just then, Sephiroth swoops down with his sword and nearly kills Aeris._

"Sephiroth you stupid poopyhead! You're gonna die for that!" _Aeris shouts._

"She's been hanging out with Yuffie too much.." _Cid whispers._

"No sh-t, Sherlock..." _Barret whispers back._

"Sue me." _Sephiroth retorts._

"Better yet... I'll battle you!" _Aeris challenges._

"Ooh, already?" _Eva says excitedly._

**Battle 3: Aeris VS Sephiroth**

"I'll kill you again!" _Sephiroth threatens._

"Not if I can help it!" _Aeris counters._

_Sephiroth lunges, but gets kicked away by Aeris. Aeris whacks Sephiroth over and over again as if she is using Omnislash. Hell, maybe she is! Then she jumps up and bashes Sephiroth into the ground. Finally, she sets him on fire and swings the Princess Guard like a golf club. Sephiroth goes flying out the window._

"Hole in one!" _Aeris exclaims._

**Aeris is the victor.**

"Way to go, Aeris!" _Cid comments._

"Way to get yo' revenge!" _Barret says._

"I knew you could do it!" _Cloud cheers._

"Cloud? Why are you here?" _Aeris asks._

"I'm filling in for you! And I live here!" _Cloud replies._

"Wow! Aeris kicks ass! And the next match is... the Besaid Aurochs VS the Kilika Beasts? Wait, this is Wakka's blitzball schedule." _Eva says._

"This is a cool battle! Look!" _Kaylee says while pointing at the screen._

**Battle 4: Kaylee VS dataDyne**

_Kaylee jumps into the ring with her Plasma Rifle (**see 'Another Quest For Truth'). **A huge army of dD guards enters from the other side._

"God dammit!" _one says._

"Need backup!" _another one yells._

_Kaylee walks slowly forward, shooting her Plasma Rifle. She picks off the guards one by one._

"Oh God! I'm dying!" "I don't wanna die!" "You bitch!" "Noooooo!"

_Kaylee aims at the final guard._

"I don't like this anymore!"

_The last guard flees._

**Kaylee is the victor.**

"Bloody, just like Perfect Dark!" _Cid comments._

"Yeah! Speaking of PD, I just lost to those damn DarkSims!" _Barret says._

"What was that weapon?" _Aeris asks._

"Kaylee! You did it! You won!" _Eva exclaims._

"Of course! Now, if you'll excuse me, my Plasma Rifle needs to be recharged." _Kaylee says._

"We're outta time again? Okay! Well, here's some future battlers! They may or may not battle, so watch for 'em!" _Eva announces._

**To Be Continued...**

**Future Fighters?**

**Bowser?**

**Mario Bros.?**

**Link?**

**Joanna Dark?**

**DarkSims?**

**Ramza?**

**Cloud!!!**

**Squall?**

**Seifer?**

**Cloud, Squall, and Seifer for sure!**

**Suzanne the Thief? The axe-wielding Thief! **

**Well, and that damn Adamantoise ain't dead yet!**


	4. The Final Deathmatches!

_Well, Adamantoise is still around. And there's all these other jerks walking around too!_

"Yes, I'm sure. I would like to retire from Another Quest For Truth. What? Oh, yes. Sandra and Kaylee and Heather all agreed. They want to retire too. Well, it's so we can spend more time on the Deathmatches, ya? Okay. C ya!" _Eva says into her cell phone._

"Look! Outside! It's Rikku!" _Sandra exclaims._

"HI! Who am I gonna fight?" _Rikku asks._

"Wanna fight Adamantoise?" _Eva asks._

"SURE!" _Rikku shouts._

_She grabs her Godhand and enters the Arena._

**Battle 1: Rikku VS Adamantoise**

"Stupid turtle! I saw Wakka destroy one of you guys!" _Rikku taunts._

_The fiend just roars._

"You're going down!" _Rikku taunts as she attacks._

_The turtle causes an earthquake._

"Ow! Y'know, I'm scary when I get mad!" _Rikku warns._

_Rikku mixes two supreme gems for Sunburst. The Adamantoise dies._

"Too easy!" _Rikku exclaims._

**Rikku is the victor.**

"Yeah! Wait, what was that?" _Cid asks._

"Sunburst? Never heard of it!" _Barret says._

"Looks like Ultima." _Aeris comments._

"What was the prize again?" _Eva asks._

"I forget!" _Sandra exclaims._

_Rikku receives 10000 sugar cookies._

"All right.. that's a good prize. But who offered it?" _Kaylee asks._

_Homer Simpson is seen sneaking out the back door._

"Ohhh kay... anyway, what? Rinoa's back?" _Sandra exclaims._

_Indeed, Rinoa has reappeared (respawned?) outside in a dumpster. How the hell did she come back to life?_

"Ohh, Squall... how could you?" _Rinoa whispers._

_Amarant walks by, looks in the dumpster, and pukes._

"What's she been eating in there.. ?" _he wonders._

"Well, it seems we're almost outta money... I just heard from Ramza. He says this'll be the last Deathmatches series. Sad, isn't it? We just retired from 'Another Quest' to carry this on.." _Eva says sadly._

"Well, we'll go out with a BANG!" _Sandra exclaims._

**Final Battle: YRP VS Kefka, Sephiroth, Kuja, Seymour, and Shuyin**

_YRP enter the arena._

"This doesn't look good.." _Yuna says._

"I can take 'em!" _Rikku says._

"Let's just win.." _Paine says._

_The villains advance._

"There ain't nothin' I can't steal!" _Rikku taunts._

_Rikku stole 16273 pounds of lard from Kuja._

"Ewwwwwww! Lard!" _Rikku whines as she wipes off the lard._

"I got it!" _Yuna declares as he Trigger Happy's Seymour._

"Stop that! We're married!" _Seymour yells._

"Not anymore! I got us a divorce!" _Yuna says as she holds up a divorce form._

"WHAT? YOU BITCH!" _Seymour screams... and gets blown away by Paine's Excalibur attack._

_Yuna blasts the hell out of Shuyin. Rikku steals Kefka's boots. There's SAND on them! And IN them... Paine slices Shuyin in half! Yuna pops a cap in Kuja's ass. Kuja kisses Rikku and gets kicked in the ass! Paine slices Kuja in half! Sephiroth does Sin Harvest!_

"Oh no... we're done for.." _Yuna moans._

"NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!" _an unknown voice yells._

"HADOKEN!" _the same voice screams._

_A big beam of light flies across the arena and blasts Sephiroth to hell! Out of the shadows comes Black Mage._

"What a fuggin' idiot!" _he says._

**YRP are the victors... (with some help from B.M!)**

"Cool! Paine's got the moves!" _Cid exclaims._

"Black Mage kicks ass!" _Barret comments._

"Sephiroth's gone! Yay!" _Aeris shouts cheerfully._

"Well, that's my Hadoken for the day!" _B.M says as he makes his way out._

"Well, that was our **final battle**! I told ya we'd go out with a BANG!" _Sandra announces._

"Yay! B.M saved us all!" _Eva cheers._

"I wanna get his autograph!" _Sandra exclaims as she runs out after Black Mage. _"Hey, B.M! Wait up!"

"Well, that's it for the **Ultimate Deathmatches**! Hope everyone had fun, ya? C ya!" _Eva announces._

**The End!**

"My ass! My f--kin' ass!" _Seymour screams as Yuna shoves a firecracker up his ass._

_Seymour gets blown to hell where he can marry Sephiroth or something!_

**And Rinoa? Oh she'll be fine... how DID she come back to life?**

**"Angelo did it! Isn't he wonderful?" _Rinoa says._**

**THINGS TO DO:**

**Kill Angelo**

**Feed Rinoa to a Malboro**

**Ask Quistis out**

**Make Zell date Selphie**

**Kill Cait Sith for the millionth time (bastard keeps coming back)**

**Yes, THE END!**

**Cunno.**


End file.
